With or without him
by GeekBastard23
Summary: Tony's thoughts about Ziva's new boyfriend.


**A/N: Ever since I saw 'Recruited' last night, this idea would not vanish from my mind and I somehow just had to write it.  
Minor spoilers for 8x12**

**Disclaimer: NCIS doesn't belong to me, cause if it did, there would be no Ray...**

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_With Or Without Him_  
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_Ray, Ray, Ray_

The name seemed to resound in his head. Ever since Ziva had given her mystery Miami guy a name, he seemed to have become real. Before that, he had been that abstract being and Tony had been able to pretend that he might not even exist. But now, now he was there. There, in his head and the name seemed to mock him, seemed to scream at him.

He knew that Ziva was happy. At least, she seemed to be. In fact, Tony wondered if he had ever seen her so content, so cheerful before. And every time when he noticed that fact - that fact that it was Ray and not _him_ that caused her to smile - he cringed internally.

Tony also knew that she deserved to be happy. God knew that she hadn't had her fair share of luck in life before. And if Ray, Mr. Sunshine-State, was finally bringing some light, some sunshine, some warmth into her life, he should be happy for her, right?

He still didn't know how the guy looked like and he wasn't sure whether he really wanted to know. In fact, he didn't know anything about him, except that Ziva thought he was a good man. And she usually was a good judge in character…

_Don't forget about Rivkin. _

His mind just wouldn't shut up about Rivkin. Ray surely wasn't anything like him. Rivkin had never made her smile the way she did now. Rivkin was a manipulative asshole and Ziva would not make the same mistake twice. She just wouldn't, right?

He knew that he was supposed to trust her. And he did trust her. So why wouldn't the gnawing feeling in his gut fade away? Why was he not able to think about the case, about going out, about anything else, except her?

His mind couldn't stop thinking about her skiing in Vermont with _him_, her lying in front of an over-sized fireplace, cuddling with _him. _Why couldn't his mind let it go? Why wouldn't it stop making him crazy?

_You're jealous._

Tony knew that he was. In fact, he even had to admit that he had been jealous, every single time when Ziva had only mentioned a possibility of another guy. But before Ray came along, there never was anything serious or at least, it had never seemed like it.

He had no right to be jealous and Tony knew that, too. But still, he couldn't help it. He had always thought that at some point in time, the two of them would finally get their act together. Would finally realize that beyond all the teasing, beyond all the bickering there was more. There had to be more, right?

_But what about now?_

Ziva was slipping right through his fingers like water now and Tony knew better than to stop her. Although his heart was ripping itself apart at the very thought of it, he would not destroy whatever it was that she had with Ray. He just couldn't. He had made many mistakes in his life but this wouldn't be one of them.

They had always been taking one step forward and two steps back and if he would take those two backs forward _now_, he'd ruin everything that had ever been important to him...

So, he would back off. He would try to behave as if they were only partners at work, 'strictly professional' as he had once told his own father. He knew that it might be impossible for him to do so, but he had to try. He just had to. Ziva's friendship was too important, too valuable to him to let her go.

He would miss her terribly. He would always remember what it felt like standing too close beside her. He would miss the smell of her hair, the way she had always looked at him. But he would get over her eventually, right?

Tony knew she deserved more than him. She deserved someone who didn't hide his feelings towards her. Someone, who would just appreciate her, the way he had never been able to.

_Until now._

Someone, who was just better than him. Maybe it was as simple as this.

And if Ray would turn out to be the biggest jerk on earth, he would be there to console her. He would be there to punch the guy in the face. He would be there to pick up the pieces.

He, Anthony DiNozzo, would be there, waiting in the shadows for a chance that might or might not come. But he would be there, no matter what.

And...

He would always love her. One way or another, he always would.

But he would not let it show. Not now. He would hide his true feelings like he always did. She deserved to be content with Ray. She really did. And he would not stand in the way.

Because he just wanted her to be happy.

With or without him.

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**A/N: Would be nice, if you let me know what you think! :)**


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